'Credo Quia Absurdum Est'

I had a phone call from the fish n chipper last week.  The journo concerned was whispery and seemed concerned.   She was asking whether I was going to be doing some work.

I said that I had been doing bits and bobs of the same work for the past three years, but still wasn’t sure what my input would be in 2013.

I was perplexed at why this was a story, until I was able to ascertain from said journo who the source was.  To her credit, she didn’t give them up explicitly, but I have a gift for reverse interviewing.

My partner in crime on this particular job also got a phone call and was told the story was “of interest” because we were potentially going to be getting paid with “public money”.  Oh my God!  What have they paid us with in the past?

So this is a heads up to all nurses, teachers, police officers, Work and Income staff, and other people paid with “public money”.  The fish n chipper is on to you.

There are some far more interesting stories they could be working on, but as I am a “person of interest” I would like to see if we can get these as a front page lead sometime soon:

• On one of my irregular excursions into town after 5pm, I did a backspin off a table at the Kiln early on Saturday morning while re-creating a scene from Beat Street and momentarily knocked myself out.  I ejected myself from the bar shortly thereafter (it was the most brilliant excuse ever for escaping a certain public money-funded person’s tequila and chili abominations).  The staff would have done it but they were still too busy laughing. (You better get on to that one as the Southland Express and CUE TV have pictures – PS no glasses were broken or others offended – in fact one patron said “you are the shitest busker ever”)
• I karate chopped my seven year old son while on a dog walk in a public place.  You could get a comment from Sue Bradford (I have her number if you need it).  And don’t believe the Weenis when he says we were re-enacting the garage fight scene from Transporter 2.  He’s an inveterate liar.
• I karate chopped the dog too.  He was playing the part of the Asian guy with the samurai sword.
• I mowed the back lawn in my  jocks on Saturday.  That must be in breach of some bylaw.
• In 1983, I punched a classmate in the face.  He had stabbed me in the arse with a compass.
• I was pulled over for running a red light on Friday.  It was fucking orange, but traffic cops, what can you do?
• I stole 174,473 plants from Queens Park between the hours of 2pm and 3pm on Saturday whilst driving a Mr Whippy van into anyone who looked like a pinko.
• I trimmed my trees on Friday afternoon and thus removed valuable carbon-sink green material from the Invercargill ecosystem.  I then stuffed the branches into the nearest stormwater drain and set them on fire using paint thinner.

I’m a bad person.  But at least this focus on me means others can get away without having their bad news reported….